and so it begins....

I’m hungry. It’s 2 am. I can’t sleep.

Now that you know why I am up, and on tumblr….I guess I can share what is on my mind. Life. Living a life that means something. Doing as much as you can while you can. No matter what someone may have done, to see someone holding on, in pain, being afraid of the unknown…it is not a good feeling. My grandpa passed away, he was the last of the 3 Grandpa’s I was blessed to have. Grandparents are so special to me, and although I was not very close to my Grandpa…I felt for him. He was a man, barely even 70. He spent most of his life intoxicated, and was in no way a father figure. He chose himself over his family, and I spent my entire life seeing the effect being an alcoholic has on your family. My dad spent his whole life trying to be everything his dad was not, but could never quite bring himself to forgive him. I see both sides, but when my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer….my grandma, his ex wife, the mother of his children that he abused, and abandoned…did something that made me admire her and look up to her even more. They made sure that he received the care he needed, they made sure he had clothes, they made sure that he was surrounded by family in the short time he had left. I was left with guilt, wishing that I had been able to go and visit him. Kaden was his first (full) great granchild. I sent pictures and my sisters were able to see him before he took a turn for the worst. He may not have been the grandpa most kids know, and he may not have been present at birthdays, Christmas morning, and Thanksgiving dinners, but he was my grandpa. I learned from him, I have watched bitterness and resentment ad I have seen what it can do to you. I have seen the effects of substance abuse, and love that my father never put anything before his family. He is a man who would give me his last dollar. His last meal. Anything and everything. The one who supported my decision to have Kaden because he believed in giving life, not taking it away. He is loving, in his own way, and I have to remember that….and forgive him for the times he wasn’t there. Grudges are pointless…because once someone is gone, life still goes on. So forgive. forget. and live.

Another life lost this month was Mrs. Baker. She was a sweet lady going on 101 years old! Talk about WISE! I wanted to take Kaden to see her again last week, but didn’t because Kaden was getting fussy. I am sad that she has passed, but I am glad that she got to meet Kaden the end of last year, and that I have pictures of her and my mom, and Kaden. My mother works with the elderly, but you never can get used to losing residents….especially when you care for them as you woud your own. I know this was hard for her as well, so I surprised her at work with Valentine’s goodies. My heart goes out to the Baker Family. Please keep them, as well as my family in your prayers.

This year has been going at full speed, Kaden turns 1 next week!!!!! Seems like he was just born. I am so proud of myself, I can’t believe how far I’ve come. A year ago I had no clue how I was going to be a single parent. The thought alone scared me! I learned that it’s ok to cry…I shed a lot of tears, but then it got better, and better as each day went by. Kaden became my happiness. Nothing else mattered anymore. Yes there is still stress, but not from Kaden…I love my baby boy and I am so grateful to be his mommy.

Well, as much as I often worry that I will end up single the rest of my life. I actually went on quite a few dates since having Kaden. Not saying they were good though, but it’s nice to get out every once and a while with another adult…sometimes I spend so much time with just Kaden I start talking “gibberish”, or baby talk. I still often wonder if I will ever meet the man I deserve, dream about, pray for…but since having Kaden my standards are even higher than ever before!! What frustrates me is that I know or have known guys that have qualities/characteristics I am looking for, but don’t even look my way because I am black. It’s hard dating, harder dating as a single parent, but the hardest part of dating I have always had is race. Black men think I am stuck up, white men are often intimidated, people and their pre-conceived notions…..beyond annoying! It’s a sad day when I realize I am black, because someone points it out as a “problem” with getting to know me, or pursue a relationship.

Well I am finally getting sleepy. Hope you enjoyed my random late night thoughts.

Much love to all & to all a goodnight.

xoxo KiZZie

Talk about a rude awakening. I received some great news 2 days ago that has greatly impacted my life! I was excited beyond words, and still feel as though it was a dream. Unfortunately the excitement was short lived, two people who should be happy or atleast have the decency to just congratulate me and keep their negativity to themselves decided they would rather rain on my parade. It’s times like that I feel as though I don’t need anyone, that I can and will do it all on my own. Who am I kidding..as strong as I sometimes think I am I was reminded in a huge way this morning that I am not alone, and its not meant for me to do everythingu on my own. I had such an overwhelming comfort of love as this stranger whom I never met before tells me about how much I was meant to be here, and that this opportunity is meant for me. It was uplifting to be reminded that I have purpose, and that I am doing a good job. Little did i know that as much as her words were what I needed to hear, the brief bit of my personal life that I shared was what she needed as well. Talk about an instant connection, a brief conversation that literally slapped me in my face. It was so hard for me to keep it together because it was a reminder that I am blessed. I am loved. I am favored. I have been called. I was closer to God then I have been in a long time, it was as if he was hugging me and telling me his is still there, where he has always been looking out for me, and now Kaden. That he has a plan for my life still and to just trust him. He gave me peace about what upset me when I felt as though I hit rock bottom, and I am SO thankful. I am truly blessed and I serve an awesome God who loves me unconditionally, and I may not be whole….but I am beautifully broken.

What does it really mean to be independent && when is it ”acceptable” as a woman to be completely independent? There are so many women, now more than ever, doing everything themselves. I don’t just mean raising kids on their own, but establishing themselves on their own. Living alone, building their own careers and businesses…etc. However, once they have become so independent and/or sucessful, and they decide they want to share that life with someone else, how do they go from doing everything to allowing someone else to do things for them? It has always been hard for me to rely on others, mainly because of my major trust issues. Even at a young age I very seldom asked for help, in fact I enjoyed being able to do things all by myself. That has definitely carried over into my life as an adult. I don’t like to ask for help, I carry 10 bags of groceries at a time, I seldom let people help me carry my sons carseat, I do all of my own laundry (even if it means staying up until 3 am), I went grocery shopping less than 16 days after giving birth because I just don’t like asking people to do things for me, and also the one person I felt that should of been helping me DID NOT. Maybe the partial reason for my independence is people not holding true to their word, so I wanted to avoid disappointment. When I watch tv, read books, or anything geared to what women “should” do to keep a man, almost every source agrees that men want to feel needed. No matter what a person says, most people have this thought that they can fix someone. The trouble with that is who says they were ever broken. Maybe they are not who you want them to be, but the person you don’t want them to be is who they truly are. You will only frustrate yourself by trying to change someone who does not want to change. Like all things in life you need balance, so that you know when it is “okay” acceptable to be independent, but to also know when to ask for help. If you have simple tasks that you know you are capable of doing, but your significant other isn’t busy…apparantly you are suppose to ask for help. Honestly, I don’t know if this will ever work for me. I don’t see myself asking for help to stroke my man’s ego. Whoever wants to be with me doesn’t have to love my independence, but they will have to accept/respect it, and work with me to learn to allow others to do for me.

Ephesians 5:22-30 something I will definitely have to work on, but at the right time & with the right person

I am absolutely, positively so forgetful when it comes to this blog…forgive me. It’s not like anyone reads this. Since I have last written I have become an unofficial food critic, master chef..in my own kitchen of course, professional grocery shopper, and a mom. My favorite thing out of all of those is being a mom. I LOVE my son more than I ever knew I could love someone. I love waking up to his smiles, playing with his toys, watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, watching him discover new things, singing twinkle, twinkle, little star…the list could go on forever. I feel that despite all the chaos and negativity that goes on in my life, when I spend time with Kaden nothing else matters. Trust me when I say nothing, I mean nothing…I go into complete “mommy mode”. Would i like to get dolled up and dance all night, maybe have a drink or two and a conversation with another adult, preferably cute eye candy..? Of course, who wouldn’t but I can honestly say good things come to those who wait. I waited 40+ weeks for Kaden’s arrival, and when I look back on the wait it was only a small fraction of my life. Each day I realize just how fast life can pass us by, and I try to enjoy every moment….I am a person who truly enjoys the small things. A cute text message, a cup of coffee, a walk in the park, a trip to the bookstore..it doesn’t take much to make me happy. I would love to one day have that best friend that supports me in all that I do, that encourages me, the person that will journey through life with me….so it wouldn’t be fair to myself nor Kaden to settle for someone who would rather half step.

Okay. okay. okay…I am rambling, but it’s a good ramble in my opinion. I am not huge on New Years resolutions because I feel that people can change whenever they choose. I feel as though I need to work on being more optimistic. I have so many dreams and goals all within my reach, but I need to stop thinking about the negative “what ifs”, and really just push toward them. Life stops for no one and at 22 years young, not old…I now more than ever have so many reasons to live up to my potential. I am not a “baby mama”, I am just a mother who loves her child, and wants what is best for him. That term is overused & abused. I feel like people with idle time tend to worry way too much about other peoples life. I do not really care what anyone has to say these days. So many people have fallen by the wayside & I am okay with that. People come and go, such is life…Friends are brought to us for different reasons, and maybe this is a season of self growth. The more people I have involved in my life, the more stress it tends to create. I am the type of person to give till I have nothing left to give, but right now I need to invest all of that love, time, and energy into myself & Kaden. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t have time for all the extra….I have no reason to be depressed, stressed, or any less happy then I deserve. I have no clue where I am going with all of this, I guess just sharing what is on my mind today. I just want to be happy, and enjoy life. I think today is quite emotional for me for numerous reasons, but they say to praise God at all times, so even on today when I could sit here and throw a pity party for myself for all the people who have come into my life, and walked out on me while taking a piece of my heart with them, I choose to be thankful. I choose to be happy. I choose to love, and trust that it will all be okay. Yes, I have a father..he is not perfect, and he may not be what others think a dad “should” be but he is here, he is honest, and he loves me, and I am okay with who he is because he is true to himself. I trust in believe that when the timing is right Kaden will have the family he deserves, until then i will shower him in love, and cover him with mommies kisses all over his chunky cheeks. I have so much more to say, but I think I’ll save some more for another day…

peace&love

They say that anything worth having is worth fighting for, but how long can you fight the same battle over and over again, with little to no progress. Sometimes I feel like c h a n g e is like waiting on rain in a drought….You can be hopeful but without a single drop you start to think that maybe you should give up. This summer has been nothing but one battle after another. I never knew people could be so opinionated about something that has nothing to do with them…at all. Yet the very people who have tried to suck the life out of me all summer, happen to be the same people who never even follow through with their word. I admit, I am sometimes guilty of “over extending” myself to too many people in one day, and sometimes fall short and have to reschedule. However, I always let people know whats up, even if it’s just simply saying that I can’t make it. Sometimes its better to just be blunt then offer up excuse after excuse, especially when it is after the fact. Sometimes I really try to be understanding to the fact that in a lot of ways I grew up a little to fast, I am in no way saying that I am perfect….in fact i love my imperfections..they are what make me who I am, and anyone who doesn’t like me for who I truly am can keep it moving. I will no longer in any way, shape, or form conform for anyone, especially someone who claims they love me. This year is going to be quite the journey…(I say this year b/c my new year started on my 22nd birthday). I know it wont be easy but I have realized that I am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for. I can do anything everything i put my mind to. I am an amazing, loving, kind, compassionate person, and despite what others may say to me…i still love them all the same. Too many times people feel the need to react the way they are treated, which i do when I am extremely heated but it’s getting old, the only way to truly let go is to forgive…so with that being said…”you” are forgiven…

I have been contemplating a blog for quite sometime, and there is really no other way to start then to dive in. Anyone who knows me well would probably agree that I am a fairly random person. I talk in circles but in the end I usually make sense. This is just a place for me to share my thoughts, dreams, hopes…I guess  whatever is on my mind. Well that’s it for now….more to come